3 Keys to Effective Communication

At Mission, we’ve been looking at 5 Dysfunctions of a Family. Sure, there are probably more than 5, but these 5 are major. One of the biggest is ineffective communication. When we don’t communicate effectively, problems are bound to happen.

There are 3 major forms of ineffective communication:

• The Cadet - These people just agree, and do anything and everything to keep the peace. They avoid conflict at all costs, and can be passive aggressive at times. They would rather fictional peace than healthy conflict resolution.

• The Bottler - This personality style bottles up feelings and buries them deep down inside. They usually go silent in the face of conflict rather than communicate.

• The Erupter - For these folks, communication is loud and it is often. They explode on anyone and everyone, and can be irrational and driven by immediate feelings.

So, how do we communicate with one another in a way that is healthy and helpful?

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
-Ephesians 4:29-32

“Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is.” -Publilius Syrus

3 Keys to Effective Communication:

1. Communicate with connection in mind!
   Ask whether you are trying to conquer or whether you are trying to connect. Coming into communication with anger only causes damage to relationships, and tears down instead of building up. Often people who are hurt will in turn hurt others, which damages even more relationships. Lewis Smedes said it best: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

2. Communicate beneficially!
   Effective communication is about connection and about adding value to the person you're talking with. Our words should benefit others (build them up). Some ways to do this are to:

   • Eliminate using "Always" and "Nevers", like “you’re ALWAYS late” or “you NEVER take responsibility”.

   • Replace "you" statements with "I" statements - Instead of saying “YOU don’t care enough to be on time”, saying “I feel like I’m not important when you come home late”.

   • Communicate at their pace - Focus on one issue at a time, and approach it calmly and patiently. Avoid “flooding” the other person with too much information too quickly.

3. Communicate to God, together!
   Families that pray together, stay together. You can’t oppose your spouse and intercede for your spouse at the same time. Prayer changes who the opponent is!

Watch Mission's 5 Dysfunctions
of a Family Series